|
|
| Common Errors of Thinking That Perpetuate Misery in Your Life |
|
|
|
|
Happiness in life can be achieved when you learn ways to break into
negative thinking. Your success in creating happiness if life depends
on your identifying all cognitive errors and interrupting them. Not
only do cognitive errors cause depression and anxiety, they perpetuate
depression, helplessness and anger keeping you from being at peace.
They are only habitual reactions that you engage in and they can be
broken. They block true intimacy with others. Here are some samples
of crazy-making thinking patterns!
Over-Generalized Thinking. Making statements that emphasize that
things are always that way. For example, "He never considers my
opinion. You always put me down. She always tells me what to do. I
have to do all the work. I never get a break. Why can't you ever get
it right?" Watch your language for "never, always, should, everybody,
and "I can't stand it. I can't take anymore."
Making an Assumptions and running with it. What you assume is only
what you assume. Generate multiple reasons why you think something
has happened. Check out your assumption with others.
Fortune Telling is projecting your assumption on future events.
Fortune telling is assuming that what happened in the past will happen
in the future. Remember Alexander Pope's quote, "All looks yellow
to a jaundiced eye."
Focusing on the Past not the Present. Some people live so much in
the hurts of the past that they do not realize that the partner has
changed or is trying to change. "You have been doing this to me for
years. Last year, you did this to hurt me so I must bring it up again
and again." Bringing up old mistakes while discussing a problem is
called "piggybacking" which diverts the argument into old unresolved
hurts and pain while avoiding the current issue.
Black and white thinking. Certain people are seen as either totally
bad or good. Situations are either/or. There is no middle ground or
gray. There is no understanding of where the other person is coming
from, only staunch judgment. The emotional spectrum runs from horrid
to great but there is no leeway for seeing both sides.
Catastrophe Thinking. This error takes the problem to the worst-case
scenario then gets stuck there. This type of assumption looks for the
worst then lives as if it will happen causing worry and anxiety.
Egocentric thinking. Taking things personally is a sure fire set up
for unhappiness. Thin-skinned people usually have a big pool of hurt
inside. If your feels get hurt more than others, get into therapy to
find out why and what to do to toughen up. Suffering in silence or
saying "You make me feel...." is the most common error here.
Entitlement thinking. This way of viewing the world is to believe
that your way is right and is the only way. If others do no agree
with you, anger comes up. The belief is "You must agree with me and
do things my way or I have the right (I'm entitled) to get angry.
Irrational Emotional Reasoning. Emotional feelings plus fear beliefs
make a reality that needs checking out. Feelings are important but
it we interpret all feelings are TRUTH then we are at the mercy of our
fear and anger thought. Example: "If I feel you don't love me, you
don't love me. If I feel like a victim, I must be a victim."
Externalizing Blame Thinking. Rapidly finds fault in the other
person and criticizes them. Escalates the negative perceived in the
other person and dwells on it. This is called external locus of
control and keeps the person in victim status. Viewing the world only
through your own eyes and experience with never walking in another
person's shoes to see how they perceive things. Empathy is the
ability to see things from the perspective of another person and feel
compassion. The only person we can change is our self--to dwell on
how others do not meet our needs keeps you in anger or depression.
"I'm right and you are wrong" always leads to a "lose-lose" situation.
Minimalizing One's Own Contribution to the Problem at hand. There is
a lack of person understanding and remorse regarding one's own actions
while focusing on the wrong done by the other person. This way of
thinking avoids personal responsibility thus limiting emotional
growth.
Preoccupation with Right and Wrong and Perceived Injustice. If you
hear yourself saying, "It's not fair!" then you are focusing on the
negative instead of going into problem solving. Much of life really
isn't fair! Keeping score of slights from others and dwelling on them
create a climate of hurt and suspicion. Having a list of "shoulds"
for the partner, which are inconsistent with the partner's personality
and make up, will undermine a relationship. Focusing on unfairness
(Hey life really is unfair!) will cause you to be angry and resentful.
Close-Minded Thinking. Your mind is closed when you refuse to take
in new information about a topic. "Don't tell me anything---I know
best for me" or "Don't give me the facts, my mind is made up" are
closed minded ways of behaving. Stubborn insistence on one's own
opinion without taking in information from others is a set up for
rigidity in life.
Ideas to Break Into Errors of Thinking
Monitor your Language. Observe how the words you choose affect you
emotionally. Become an observer of how what you think changes your
mood. See how your emotionally charged words affect your sense of
harmony.
Make a List of your self-depressing thought, your anxiety provoking
worries and your self-angering thoughts. Take data on how you pull
yourself down into doom and gloom thinking or into irritability.
Choose habitual negative ways of thinking that you want to break into.
Take Responsibility for Your Own Feelings Over and Over Again. See
your part in how you upset yourself. See how the situation is an
opportunity for your surrender. Keep asking, "What is my part in
setting this situation up?"
Do a Reality Check. Ask several people you trust to be fair and
neutral to give you a readout on a stressful situation. Or ask
someone who will play devil's advocate for you to challenge your
assumptions. Ask for feedback on how you might be viewing the
situation wrong and how you could see it differently. Then go back as
ask, "How am I doing?"
Learn to Allow Some Internal Feelings of Discomfort. Feelings are
only feelings. Learn to sit with uncomfortable feelings and see them
through. They are only a symptom, which is asking for some
understanding and forgiveness. They are a gold mine for you to dig
deeply in to find treasure.
Disagreement? Define the Problem in Terms of Mutual Ownership. "We
have a problem," not "You are wrong and need to change." In Mutual
Ownership, there can be a true win win outcome.
Deal with Issues, not Personalities. Decide what you want to have
happen. Redirect the fight from the person to the principles"
underlying the conflict. Differentiate between personality issues and
the greater moral issues.
Implement the "I'll Change First" Policy which is "I'll look for some
area of growth that I need in this issue."
Let's Make a Deal. This is the idea of behavioral change, which is
"I'll change this about me if you change this about you." Remember
lasting change is difficult to achieve. This technique does not work
if you go into it holding a grudge. We generally go back to old
habits unless we practice the new habit for at least 45 days. Don't
fall into the trap that cause more anger--"Well I changed and you
didn't."
Use Helper Words to Stay in Control. Tell yourself, "I can deal with
this. I'm going to breathe this through. I can keep my cool. I'm in
charge here of how I think. I won't let my negative thoughts pull me
down."
When Stuck, Challenge your Assumption. Byron Katie says, "Everything
is fine, except for the belief that says, it is not." Find the fear
behind your stuck place. Challenge your fears--they are only
illusions.
|
About The Author:
Lynne Namka Ed. D. developed most of the anger release products after years of working with angry children in groups and with families with anger problems. Talk, Trust & Feel has a mission to promote peace in the world by teaching people positive social skills. Lynne writes books and develops products in diverse areas of the self help field (parenting, children, relationships and conscious aging), providing techniques that produce tangible results for personal change and growth. Lynne is a psychologist in private practice in Tucson, AZ.
http://www.angriesout.com/namka.htm |
|
|
|
|
| No Feedback Yet. |
| Login using the form on the top of the page to post feedback if you have registered with TxDirector. If you have not yet registered, click here. Registration is free. |
|
Related Links
|
|
|
|
| About These Links: The links above are dynamically generated. Some links may be more relevant than others. |
|
 |
|
|
 |
© 2005 TxDirector.com - Maintained by Lanstat Incorporated - Design by Cumuli Design
Page Load Time: 0.124 secs
|
|
Disclaimer: TxDirector.com cannot accept any responsibility for any injury or damage that you may cause to yourself, others, or property when following any advice given on this site. TxDirector.com has no control of how you may use information you get from this site and does not attest to the validity of any information found within. Much of this information comes from third parties (newsletter readers and other contributors). Use advice found in our newsletters and on our site with common sense and at your own risk. If you see something in our newsletters or on our site that you disagree with, please let us know. Our goal is print only valuable information and advice. If you find any information on TxDirector.com or in our newsletters that is either erroneous and/or potentially harmful to others, please Contact Us, immediately.
|
|
|
